Montreal lifts ban on female mayors

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Valerie Plante

Newly elected mayor Valérie Plante

Montreal, QC- After an impressive 375-year stretch, the city of Montreal has decided to lift its ban on female mayors.

The announcement came Sunday evening after an intense eight-week deliberation among the voting population.

“The fact that the people of Montreal were unable to have a specific type of human as their leader for nearly four centuries is just crazy,” said Mont-Royal resident Leslie, 32. “People think all female leaders are bred to kill, but the truth is most of them are completely safe to leave with children,” she explained.

Leslie’s partner Shelley, 30, agrees.

“If you look at the statistics, you’ll see that feminine mayoral attacks make up just a small fraction of all mayoral attacks,” she said. “The fact is if they’re treated well by the people they serve, most ladies make excellent mayors.”

Not everyone is convinced, however, that lifting the ban is a good idea.

“I heard about a man who totally got his head bitten off by a dame candidate,” said Verdun resident Jeremy, 27. “He was just minding his own business at the debate podium and she totally tore him a new one,” he continued, shaking his head. “You just don’t see other types of mayors acting this aggressively. I honestly don’t think simply muzzling them when they’re outdoors goes far enough.”

Former Montreal mayor Denis Coderre expressed his own concern with the policy change in an open letter he posted to Facebook.

“While the city respects the careers of girl bosses, the bottom line is that public safety comes first. These mayors are unpredictable and moody by reputation and there are many well-documented cases of them hurting people’s egos repeatedly. To stop at merely micro-chipping these maidens poses a very real threat to those who live in fear of change, and it is our civic duty to protect them,” wrote Coderre.

Freshly un-banned lady mayor Valérie Plante has a different perspective.

“Anyone who knows me understands that I’ve never considered maiming the elderly,” said Plante during her victory speech. “In fact,” she continued, “my proposed pink metro line will actually enrich the lives of seniors and children.”

She explained that she understood many people haven’t been exposed to women in senior positions, but she would work hard to show them that not every mayoral broad is a bloodthirsty death machine.

“I just want Montrealers to know that it’s safe to reach out to me no matter the circumstances,” explained Plante. “Whether I’m at the park, a street fair or your uncle Jacques’s backyard, don’t be afraid to come up and shake my hand,” she said with a smile. “I’ve made it 43 years without swallowing a finger,” she continued.  “And as your mayor, I vow to keep my promises — and your flesh — intact.” 

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