In light of the ongoing flood of thoughts and prayers in the United States, the Canadian government has announced plans to ship approximately 10,000 apologies to the troubled country over the next several weeks.
Though the U.S. has a long history of vapid, futile sentiments, recent years have seen an alarming spike in thoughts and prayers, leaving the country vulnerable to greater threats such as more fucking thoughts and prayers.
Justin Trudeau revealed the Liberal government’s intention to aid Canada’s largest trade partner during their time of utter uselessness at a press conference earlier today. During his speech, the Prime Minister explained the importance of sharing our country’s trademark emotion with the American people.
“Our hope is that by sending these apologies, we can help our neighbours to the south eliminate the current inundation of adult fairy tales and replace it with a slightly more logical but equally ineffective vehicle for change,” said Trudeau. “While we will always maintain great respect for the United States, the Canadian government believes we have a lot to offer when it comes to derailing crucial conversations with flowery language.”
As government workers prepare the shipment of humble regret, hundreds of thousands of Americans are still being pummelled by a relentless torrent of thoughts and prayers. Although the problem is affecting citizens from coast to coast regardless of age, gender, race, religion or socioeconomic status, it appears elite Republican politicians have been the hardest hit.
“He’s been suffering from thoughts and prayers for several years now, but I’ve never seen it this bad,” said an anonymous source, referring to Republican Senator Thom Tillis. “I saw him buying coffee the other day and when the barista wished him a good afternoon he took off his baseball cap, said, ‘My heart goes out to you and your family,’ and handed her a miniature American flag,” continued the source. “It was hard to watch.”
It isn’t just the GOP who are in dire straits. Inexplicable political commentator Tomi Lahren, known for her stunning looks and unfettered racism, was found circling a Whole Foods parking lot in her 2018 Mazda Miata Sunday morning yelling, “Pray for healing during this difficult time!” at startled customers while blasting Carrie Underwood’s 2005 hit “Jesus Take the Wheel.”
While many Americans will welcome a new kind of spiritually vacant horseshit, U.S. president Donald Trump has reservations about bringing apologies into his country.
“First of all, you should know I give the best apologies. Some of my favourite words are apologies. But if we start allowing all these apologies into our country, who’s to say what could happen? It’s about safety. This isn’t the time for apologies. We need to let God save our nation. But you should know I absolutely give the best apologies.”
Though many anticipate Trudeau’s gesture will temporarily decrease the frequency of thoughts and prayers among Americans, scientists agree more work needs to be done. Early evidence from an ongoing study suggests a direct correlation between NRA donations, unmitigated disregard for human life and a marked increase in thoughts and prayers. ■